Mother of God

Okay, so the scariest news is that I’m not just pregnant.  My child is going to grow up to be the Jade Emperor.  I guess he IS the Jade Emperor now, but he’s only a few thousand cells big at the moment, and he won’t have his powers until some time after he’s born.  At least that’s the way I think it’ll go.

Of all the bombshells dropped on me today, this might be the biggest.  I lost two days of my life -retroactively, I think- and now I’m going to be a mother.  The mother of a living god.  I’m not suited to be the mother of a living dog.  I can barely keep a plant alive.

There are so many reasons I’m the wrong girl for this job.  I’m flighty and irresponsible.  Just ask anyone.  I’m single, and a lesbian.  My work is dangerous.  I got shot in the uterus last night, and that’s not an unusual day for me.  Then there’s my girlfriend, who doesn’t like kids and has self-control issues.  And I would like to get a lot more serious with her.  Like “living in the same house and sleeping in the same room and waking up to have breakfast together” serious.

Brigid said I have a choice.  Even knowing what I know, I could decide I don’t want this and go on with my life.

But I won’t.  I won’t abandon my baby, even with all the reasons I should.

All these emotions churning up like waves.  I should feel like I’ve been invaded, raped, and maybe I do.  But somehow not.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t ask Oberon what happened during those two days.  I’m not quite sure I want to know yet.  I DO feel overwhelmed, like this task in front of me is a mountain I can’t hope to climb.  Scared.  Excited.  But I ALSO feel so warm.  I’m going to have a baby.  Life is growing inside me right now, and in a while there will be this little person I can hold in my arms and sing to and feed from my breasts.  (Although breast feeding might not fit in with my superhero lifestyle.  But somehow I can’t justify feeding the Jade Emperor formula.)

I think about my mom, and my birth mother.  Neither one of them got the chance to raise me, but I know they loved me.  I know it in my soul.  And this is my chance, maybe stupid, maybe selfish, but it’s mine.  I’m not letting my baby go without a brutal fight.

So that means that I’m going to be the mother of a god.  I’m so not worthy to be the mother of a god.  Or anybody.  But especially the father of enlightenment, ruler of the celestial beuraucracy, and father of all emperors.

I don’t know who I can talk to about this.  Who could help me understand?

I wonder about role models.  The virgin Mary?  Sarah Connor?  Somehow I think my life will be more like hers than Mary’s.  The League knows who I am, and I’m sure they know what has happened.  People will be trying to kill my baby.

But I think Mary knows better how my story ends.  The Jade Emperor is coming to fight a war.  Somehow, I don’t think being my little boy for 40 years is on the agenda.  My mom got me for six years.  I could live with that.  Couldn’t I?

I want this, even knowing that there will be danger and probably heartbreak at the end.

So what do I do?  The mouse can beat the mountain, a little at a time.

I can do my best to keep my baby safe.  I’ll need help.  Even this early, I realize I have to take fewer risks.  That f#cker Richard blew up my uterus.  What the hell was up with that?  I won’t be able to be on the front lines so much, especially in a few months.  Will I be able to stay with Mercy?  Alone, mostly these days.  When I got home, Mercy had gone to Peru or somewhere.  I’m going to need help.

I can teach him what I know.  When he comes into his power, he’ll probably be all enlightened and stuff and not need me, but in the meantime maybe I can make sure the Jade Emperor properly appreciates anime and the Muppets and roller derby.

I can love him.  I already do.  It’s a sad kind of love, since I imagine that some day he’ll leave me to go be a god.  But all children leave their mothers some day.  Why should I get a pass on that?