I’m a mom.

I’ve been a mom for over a month now, and before that, I had a 20 hour pre-show to being a mom.  And before THAT, I had 9 months of getting ready to be a mom.  And I’m still not ready.

I look down at this precious little creature who I also have to remember is the Jade Emperor, and I’ve never loved anybody this much.  My little Michael.  He’s totally turned my life upside down.  Everything I ever did or believed or wanted is cast in a new light.

Can I still be a Hunter?  Ever since I was old enough (too young, my dad says) I thought I should be because there were all these people who couldn’t defend themselves, and I could.  But now here’s this beautiful little person who can’t take care of himself at all, and he needs me to do it.  Not just to protect him, but to nurture him and show him the whole world.

Do I even still want to be?  I guess I do.  I still believe people with the power to make things better have a responsibility to use it.  Part of me wants to stop, to only go out to hunt when something threatens Michael, but I can’t do that.  The kind of person I am is the kind of person Michael will grow up with.  I have to be a good person, not just for myself, but for him.

I can’t work alone anymore.  If Brigid will ever decide to stop freezing me out, I’m more sympathetic to her point of view than I was.  Someone needs to lead the crusade, to be willing to take the fight to the monsters, but it can’t be me right now.  If she won’t, then I’ll give her back the house I never wanted and find my own place and I guess I’ll see what Morganna is doing.  The Diesel Fan Club isn’t the most directed group on earth, but they’re good people.

But even before I knew about Michael, I wanted something else for my life.  I felt bad about it, like I was betraying dad.  But then I realized he HAD more.  He had his school.  He had mom.  He had me.

What can I have?  My education up until now has been pretty directed, and my lifestyle doesn’t leave a lot of room to change that.  Maybe I should just keep being a bartender.  The money is good, and the hours are okay.  I work nights, so I’d mostly be gone when Mikey was asleep.

But finding a babysitter for the Jade Emperor is going to be tricky.

And speaking of the Jade Emperor, he’s hungry again.  Time to go.